another year over.

so, 2010 is coming to an end...
i feel like i should come up with something you know, inspiring to say.
but i won't. because i'm that lazy.
i hope nobody gets way too smashed and makes out with an ugly person at 12:00 on the first day of 2011, that is my wish for...everyone who's doing something fun tonight...
me? i'm spending the rift between the two decades with a bunch of people mostly related to me. so...don't expect anything. that would be a little bit of a worry, no?

yeah. i'll stop now.

see you in the new year!

why do my hiccups sound like a retarded donkey inhaling backwards?

vocab lesson.

So I thought I'd let you in on the language I am known to speak in order to prevent as many awkward moments as possible or conceal the truth.

Commonly Used Phrases.

In my world, 'I checked with the rents and I can come,' really means: 'After negotiating for minutes on end I have finally proven my point - to an extent - and am able to leave the house for a few hours . I'll probably turn up home at least an hour after I said I would, but oh well.'

'I'm still checking with the rents,' on the other hand, means 'Negotiations are still taking place, and may or may not prove successful depending on two factors: what mood said parents are in and how convincing my argument is.'

The phrase 'Sorry, I can't make it,' has several meanings associated with it.
It can mean any of the following:
- 'Sorry, I can't make it.' 
- 'Sorry, I can't be fucked getting out of bed today.'
- 'Sorry, I am too tired to negotiate with the people who brought me into this world.'
- 'Sorry, but I just don't like you.'
- 'Sorry, but my negotiations failed.
- 'Sorry, but I'm not sorry. Stay the hell away from me.'
- 'Sorry, I'm dead.'

'ILY too' or 'Love you too,' means 'I haven't actually taken the time to consider what you really mean to me, but I'll say this anyway because otherwise that's just awkward...'

'I'm on my way,' translates to 'I'll leave the house in a couple of minutes.'

And the following few deserve their own category.

Things I tell my parents:
'Yes Mum, I'm on the bus,' means 'I'm going to the bus stop now. Within the next hour.'
'The bus broke down or had some problems or something,' along with,'The next bus isn't for another half an hour,' means 'I missed the bus I was meant to take to get home on time. Oops.'
'No Mum, there's no boys here,' means...there are, obviously. Thankfully she's begun to be used to the idea of me hanging out with those of the opposite gender in a purely friends way, although she is still as suspicious and prejudicial as always.
'Can I have some money for lunch while I'm out?' means 'I'm going to buy me some phone credit.'

I hope this has benefited you in some way, and please take into account that none of the above is necessarily completely true, but there is a chance...

don't you love the life you killed?

There's nothing an agnostic can't do if he doesn't know whether he believes in anything or not.

without proof one cannot be certain.

“Mr Kelly we suspect you stole this sheep and now require you to provide a hair sample under state law of 1878,” says an officer.

“I apologise officer, but I have waxed all my body hair,” Bushranger Kelly smugly replies.

another one of those irritating facebook pages.

If you have no makeup on, your hair is a mess, you're still in your PJs & he still can't resist putting you into his arms. Well then he's a keeper.

or maybe he's just blind? didn't think of that, did you!

dear world, my sister is a first-rate twat.

what would i do without her?

mm...phlegm.

how the hell can one have a cold when the weather is this hot?

i'm going to cover the walls of my mind with stickynotes.

oh naive little me, asking what things you have seen, and you're vulnerable in your head, you'll scream and you'll wail till you're dead. creatures veiled by night, following things that aren't right, and they're tired and they need to be lead, you'll scream and you'll wail till you're dead. but give me to a rambling man, let it always be known that i was who i am. beaten, battered, and cold, my children will live just to grow old. but if i sit here and weep, i'll be blown over by the slightest of breeze. and the weak need to be lead, and the tender i'll carry to their bed, and its a pale and cold affair, i'll be damned if i'll be found there. but give me to a rambling man, let it always be known that i was who i am. its funny how the first chords that you come to are the minor notes that come to serenade you. it's hard to accept yourself as someone you don't desire, as someone you don't want to be. oh give me to a rambling man, let it always be known that i was who i am. oh give me to a rambling man, let it always be known that i was who i am.

if only

Just because I'm presumin' that I could be kind-a-human,
If I only had heart.
Just to register emotion, jealousy - devotion,
And really feel the part.


lalalalalalalalalalaaaa christmas is rather amazing at giving one the best presents ever, this is by far the best holiday i've had in a while *grins ecstatically*


no but seriously. things are on the turn for the better :)

something that annoys me

you know you are a normal teen if:
1)you have a facebook
2)you own a cellphone
4)you are wasting your time reading this
5)you didn't realize there was no #3
7)you checked to see if there wasn't a #3
8)O: where's 6?
9)you are smiling now

see, the problem with all these stupid facebook pages, is that they are made by mildly intelligent morons who think they are too damn fucking hilarious. please, leave me in peace, because i don't need to see any more of these.

also. the grimace on my face, and the way i pulled my hair in anguish, was not a smile. thanks.

i can't say i didn't see this coming.

oops.

christmas is all around.

so i'm done with the self-pity act. this blog will contain no more of that, i'm sure it's actually the most annoying thing to read, i mean seriously, if i were someone else reading all the shit i've put on here i'd want to give the writer a slap over the head and say, "get the fuck off your stupid blog and get a life, and in the process please find some feelings for people other than yourself, you miserable sod." i may not be the happiest person out, but the least i could do is keep that to myself instead of making everyone else want to stick pins in their eyes.


so...

christmas is here...again. and i can't say i'm a devout christian or anything, so all christmas seems to me is a whole load of people gathering to get fat on turkey and pudding, and and greedily exchange presents with random relatives you only see once a year.

my sister, being a vegetarian, is going to have a fun time with all her salads, and i'm glad to say that i'm back to eating meat. one can be a total cow without having the same diet as one, you know.

so about the presents. my current state of finances is virtually bankrupt, with the 300 or so dollars left in my account a pathetic attempt at savings. i was meant to get a job these holidays but i'm probably one of the laziest people i know so that never happened...

what did happen though, is that i managed to scrounge up some presents for the family using a variety of book vouchers...mostly from last christmas...see, that's what you get from relatives that don't know you very well. lots and lots of book vouchers. or, an uncle gets you a dress for an eight year old child because he's forgotten how old you are, but somehow it still fits so you use it as pyjamas...

that's the thing. all these relatives have no clue what you really want. i would be happy with money, actually. cash would be nice. then again, i need to save money, so it might be an even better idea to put it straight into my bank account where i have no hope of getting it out as the (other) account my ATM card is actually linked to isn't the one with money in it...three guesses why that is.

then again, it's the thought that counts. and one should really be grateful to receive anything at all - it's a choice made to give gifts, it isn't as though someone/something is going to strike you down if you don't give presents to people. even if that would be kinda funny...
kidding, obviously...

something wrong with me

sometimes i feel i really just don't give a shit about anyone else. i know it's selfish, but i don't know, it's like i could so easily shut myself off from the world and just not care. people could worry about me as much as they wanted to but i'd just stop everything, bar all communications with anyone and everyone. because i'm scared. scared of commitment, scared of trusting, of people relying on me. scared that i'll care too much, or not enough.

people should really think twice about being my friend, because it seems all that happens is that i move on. i'll leave you behind, without a second glance back. i may regret it one day, but it's harder to turn back the clock than you think it is.

don't you see? i can't come back to you. i'm not the person i was when i knew you.

i can't eat. and i don't get why.

so it's that time of year again. the moment every slacker dreads, and the moment every hard-working, goal-achieving other waits for in hopeful anticipation.

reports have been sent out, and of course my parents read it first without even thinking of telling me it had arrived. and it comes along with a set of comments i already knew to expect.

the thing is, i'm sick of being told i don't try hard enough. that i could do better. that i don't focus or contribute. what if i don't want to? what if i don't actually care about any of it at all?

i may not know what i want to do with my life, but i do know that writing an essay or solving an equation isn't going to help me to find out.

might as well have never met you.

i know i should talk to you and ask you how youre doing,
but it just occured to me that we're strangers now.
you dont know me anymore and i no longer know the person you are.
i'm not even sure i ever did.

you put the sun to shame.

If I told you things I did before 
Told you how I used to be 
Would you go along with someone like me?
If you knew my story word for word 
Had all of my history 
Would you go along with someone like me?

contentment.

How can I help you?

It’s okay, I don’t actually think you can…

There’s nothing I cannot do. Nothing. I guarantee it.

Alright…okay…so what do you do when you can’t tell anyone shit because it might really fuck things up…and you don’t know what to do, or what’s happening, you just know that something really, really fucking bad is going down?

Just…no. I think, and I’m not sure…I think you got me there.

Effy: I didn’t want to be on my own.

Freddie: Effy, what the fuck is going on? …I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I shouted at you as well. …Really taking a piss this time.

Effy: Yeah. Freddie, I don’t want them here [the people at the party downstairs]. I thought I did. I thought that was me, but, I don’t know what it is, but, I know you’re the only person I can trust.

Freddie: Effy, nothing bad is gonna happen. I’m gonna take care of you now. Alright? I promise. I promise.

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's either all or none

There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

life on mars.

i love david bowie. he is a legend. just quietly.

gotta love teachers.

"you know, and i know, that you could have done better."
"this was a little disappointing."
"your marks have dropped."
"definitely didn't expect you to get this, i have to say it came as a bit of a shock."

i don't know what's worse.
people telling me it's okay to not achieve what i could have, or people expecting me to achieve and being disappointed.

one more day and i can forget about it all.

wild, wild horses couldn't drag me away.

a beautiful lie

Lie awake in bed at night
And think about your life
Do you want to be different?
Try to let go of the truth
The battles of your youth
'Cause this is just a game

It's a beautiful lie
It's the perfect denial
Such a beautiful lie to believe in
So beautiful, beautiful it makes me

It's time to forget about the past
To wash away what happened last
Hide behind an empty face
Don't ask too much, just say
'Cause this is just a game

It's a beautiful lie
It's the perfect denial
Such a beautiful lie to believe in
So beautiful, beautiful it makes me

Everyone's looking at me
I'm running around in circles, baby
A quiet desperation's building higher
I've got to remember this is just a game

~ I want to lie there like that forever,

where it’s just me and him and the whole world. ~

enjoy the silence

"...all I ever wanted
all I ever needed
is here, in my arms.
words are very unnecessary

they can only do harm..."

the silence from outer space never seemed so loud.

a song is like a dream, and you try to make it come true.

why do you do it?

i want to fly away

but i can't.

for a moment i don't feel a thing.

I just want to curl up into a ball and forget the world. Forget all of this. 

all for believing.

pull back the shield between us, and i'll kiss you.
drop your defences and come into my arms.

l'amour

Il faut s'aimer, et puis il faut se le dire, et puis il faut se l'ecrire, et puis il faut baiser sur la bouche, sur les yeux et ailleurs.
- Victor Hugo

i wear a thousand masks, and none of them are me.

qu'est-ce que je peux faire...?

it's coming to that stage where all the guys i'd thought i'd gotten rid of...are coming back.
like WTF.

just quietly.

it's not that i don't like the attention, but seriously...
you're wasting your own time, and mine.

hence why i'll be failing my two exams today. woo.

on the way home.

i just saw a dead bird on the road.
and not like you'd expect. you'd expect to see a bird on the side, maybe, feathers in a bit of a mess, but still peaceful, like.

this bird was squished.

completely flattened. all its insides had been squashed out of it, too.
it was a dead bird...pancake.

and all i could think about was how this bird was alive one second, and then the next...boom.

gone forever.

crazy..

It's crazy, when feelings come and go and you can't decide what it is that you want. When you have so many things to say but you don't know where to start. When you want them in your life so badly, but all you can do is push them farther and farther away.


It's not easy to think back to how things used to be and look at it now and realise that things are different, and they probably won't ever be the same again. You tell yourself it's not worth it, but if it really didn't matter, you wouldn't spend so much time thinking about it.

f... art.

the fact that i prioritise blogging over studying for my art exam...doesn't really surprise me.

don't get me wrong, i love art. the creative side of it. painting, drawing...yeah, that's basically it.

but when i have to spend hours writing down my opinions on other people's artworks, only to be criticised on what i say, it seriously makes me re-think why i do the subject at all.

i have plenty of time to draw and paint at home. actually, i do draw and paint more at home. a year's worth of artwork done at school probably won't even amount to a quarter of the amount of things i come up with in my own time.

so why do i bother with the subject at school?
i'm not really sure.

i'm good at it, i guess. well i would be better if i tried. the thing is, art is so subjective that not only my works are subjected to criticism, but what i write about other works too. if i make a perfectly justifiable statement, i can be told that i am wrong. how? i'm not entirely sure, but it happens.

hence why i really couldn't care less about it all.

and why i'll probably drop it next year.

don't even try to stop me!

too bored.

i've never really been good with time management.

in fact, i'm terrible at it.
in tests, i get distracted by the smallest things.

a smudge of ink i never knew was there.
a solitary blonde hair on the desk that i know isn't mine.
strange looking stains on the carpet.
weirdly shaped scratch marks...

to the overactive imagination, or just someone bored out of their wits, it sounds a lot like some unsolved crime.
and isn't it so much more fun playing detective than answering a question that may or may not decide the future of your schooling life?

i thought so too.

a sonnet.

you will never know what you mean to me;
although it's hard, i try to hide my heart.
it's a self-preservation thing, you see;
to tell the truth i never want to part.
to me you are my stars, my moon, my sun;
your smile lights up the darkest of my days.
i search to find your flaws but there are none;
i feel like falling down beneath your gaze.
what i can't have is the thing i yearn for;
that we are friends stops me from having you.
but you're the only one that i adore;
it hurts to think i'll never tell you true.
      i'm going to try to act like i don't care,
      so i don't ruin what's already there.

procrastinator with 4 days to go.

so putting off exam study for as long as possible isn't the smartest decision i've made in my life.
watching old episodes of gossip girl at midnight isn't either.
same goes for writing pointless blog posts about not studying when i should really just disconnect all electronic devices, sit at my desk which is currently covered with random crap, and ponder through textbooks.

the problem is, i'm one of the biggest procrastinators in the entire universe.
my room, you see, is nearly always messy, unless i want to go somewhere, which is quite often so really my room isn't quite as messy as i suppose it is. but i've been locked down at home the last couple weeks in the hope that i'll get some study done...hasn't happened yet. this however, means my room is in a bit of a state.

what better time to start cleaning than when i should be taking down notes on the commonwealth electoral systems, or working my way through lots and lots and lots of maths problems?

while i'm at it, i may as well go through my clothes and re-arrange them in colour, style and ideal time of year for wear. and why don't i just do some more sketches, or find something new to play on the guitar, or come across some old magazines to flip through. why don't i go downstairs and make myself something nice to eat or drink? and why not go online to search for the ideal ball dress? or listen to my favourite songs on repeat and then go to youtube to find more songs to download? why not go write a dreary blog post about what i'm meant to be doing, and how pathetic the schooling system is with these exams they're making us take. why not?

i'll tell you why not. because if i do that then i'm going to fucking FAIL. that's why.

...

four more days and i die.

new.

something new.
a feeling.
and its not for you.
i like people i can read like a book,
you, on the other hand, are complicated;
because i know i will never fully know you,
with all those people who will always be there
stirring things up
confusing things.
making me jump to ridiculous conclusions.

which is why i'm glad i've moved on.
not to something bigger. or better.
but something, nonetheless.

a real chance to start over.

i never thought it would actually come to this.
but i miss you.
i really do.

one more.

one more kiss would suffice.
just so i can be sure
that all of those feelings that i was feeling
really were over nothing.
one. just one.

that's all i ask.

the beating of wings.

it's true: in life,
people come and go,
flutter in and out, like butterflies. or moths.
most of the time, they are inconsequential.
unnecessary. insignificant.
but at other times, they create permanent places in your heart,
and no matter what happens today, tomorrow, or the next day,
that space will always be there for them to fill it.
even if it seems they don't want it to be.

stupid people.

i've noticed that lately, this particular space on the web has been lacking somewhat of humourous content. if you call humourous picking on people...but it is all for entertainment purposes only! and luckily this time, the subjects to be discussed are most likely too dumb to even realise they should be offended. no offence.

in my very honest opinion, there is a certain group of people living amongst us in society that should really just not say anything at all, and thus give the impression that they're stupid - rather than open their mouths and remove all doubt.

i pride myself in not being one of the aforementioned. i hope. and i also pride myself in knowing things. about everything, and everyone. but as much as i like to know things, from other's social agendas to facts about major historical events, i make it a point not to divulge all of this to absolutely anyone within hearing range.

because quite frankly, a lot of the time people don't care. especially if what you're saying is not even your own words, just something you heard someone say about some one else who did something to or with someone that is friends with someone whose mum knows someone somewhere. and as for those of you who constantly repeat the views of your parents to the world, and act like it's actually your own opinion...how stupid can you get? everyone knows you don't possess the intelligence to make such statements, no matter how ignorant the assertions were in the first place, so why do you even bother?

it's a rather sobering fact, really. that there are people out there who are so dumb, they don't even realise they are. the question is, what can be done? the answer: go get a brain transplant or something, or just shut the hell up.

there's that saying, 'if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all.' but i think it is time for that to be rephrased. if you don't have anything to say that will show that you possess an IQ higher than that of a dying chicken, then please, refrain from making any noise but gasping in awe at the words of your brilliantly clever superiors.

thankyou and goodnight.

these are the butterflies that must be murdered.

Nothing goes as planned.
Everything will break.
People say goodbye,
In their own special way.
All that you rely on
And all that you can fake
Will leave you in the morning
But find you in the day.

Oh you're in my veins
And I cannot get you out.
Oh you're all I taste
At night inside of my mouth.
Oh you run away
'Cause I am not what you found.
Oh you're in my veins
And I cannot get you out.

Everything will change.
Nothing stays the same.
And nobody here's perfect.
Oh but everyone's to blame.
All that you rely on
And all that you can save
Will leave you in the morning
And find you in the day

Oh you're in my veins
And I cannot get you out
Oh you're all I taste
At night inside of my mouth
Oh you run away
Cause I am not what you found
Oh you're in my veins
And I cannot get you out.
No I cannot get you out.
No I cannot get you.

Everything is dark.
It's more than you can take.
But you catch a glimpse of sun light.
Shinin', Shinin' down on your face.

Oh you're in my veins
And I cannot get you out
Oh you're all I taste
At night inside of my mouth.
Oh you run away
Cause I am not what you found
Oh you're in my veins 
And I cannot get you out.
No, I cannot get you out.
No, I cannot get you out.
Oh no, I cannot get you. 

admit it for once.

you're wrong. you're wrong. YOU'RE WRONG.
why are you always so stubbornly blind to the truth?

peace.

my throat is hoarse from arguing. my ears are practically ringing with those pathetic words that continue to spout from your mouth, over and over and over again. don't you get it? nobody cares anymore. deal with it.

live with us, or leave us.

you can't expect to be treated how you want to be treated if you don't do the same to us. it's a two way street, and you've obviously put up a few blockades on one side of yours.

doing.

thinking. feeling. longing. loving. lusting. losing. hating. forgiving. forgetting. hoping. wanting. needing. waiting. wishing. crying. kissing. laughing. smiling. breaking. fixing. knowing. helping. talking. singing.
holding.

being.

having.

time. emotion. anxiety. loss. fear. guilt. lust. love. loneliness. curiosity. joy. anger. sorrow. overwhelming. jealousy. attraction. sin. forgiveness. forgetfulness. freedom. quiet. peace. hope. want. need. honesty. faith. trust.

the end of love

No love story is a comedy. They are all tragedies.
The ending in itself, of a story, is the end of love. There is nothing comedic about it. The end always comes, no matter what.
To prevent it, all one can do is never say goodbye.

thanks for all the fish.

I've always had the feeling I could say anything to you.
And you wouldn't judge.
Just listen.

sick of this. sick of this. siiiiiiick of this.

just when i was in the best mood, obviously the parents decide to ruin it for me.
sick of this.

alien emotions.

wow.
i honestly haven't felt this happy for such a long time, it's so alien to me.
i think
i'm almost certain, in fact,
that i'm over him.
truly.
celebrations are in order.

what am i to you?

what am i to you?
tell me darlin' true.
to me you are the sea
vast as you can be
and deep the shade of blue.

when i look into your eyes,
i feel the butterflies,
could you find a love in me,
would you carve me in a tree?
don't fill my heart with lies.

the needing of time.

i really want to like you
i really do wish that i did.
but i don't think i can just yet.
wait for me?

good times gonna come.

Need to know
If you're letting go
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright.

Didn't know
I was hurting you so
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright.

You came to me from nowhere
With nothing
And no-one
Hold tight, hold tight, hold tight.

Goes to show
You never really know
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright.

This is just one of those
Lonely nights
The good times gonna come

See me then
Investing so much
In you, in you, in you.

Came so close
To the edge
I do, I do, I do.

This is just one of those
Lonely nights
The good times gonna come

In the end
We let it go away
We let it float away
On the breeze

'Round the bend
The sun is in the sky
It's starting to look like
It's gonna be, yeah, it's gonna be
A bright,
Beautiful day

The good times gonna come, oh no
The good times gonna come, yeah, yeah...

This is just one of those
Lonely nights

The good times gonna come, oh,
The good times gonna come, oh yeah
The good times gonna come, ohh
The good times gonna come, yeah.

Need to know if you're letting go
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright. 

what would you do, if my heart was torn in two?

i don't have it in me to hate you.
why, i don't have it in me to hate full stop.
it hurts enough just caring too much;

imagine what hating would do to me.

finally.

you know what? i think i'm getting over you.

there may be a lot more fish in the sea,
but in this little rock pool i'm watching over,
there's about 5.
so i guess there's nothing to do now
but wait.
and see which one i'll catch first...

fed up.

enough.
i fucking give up.
you're always going to be disappointed in me no matter what.
even if i decide to actually try for once.
your expectations of me will just get higher and higher,
even more unreachable than they were to begin with.
you always want more;
always, endlessly,
searching for something better.
but what if i'm happy just being me?
just being.
moving on, progressing,
i'm sick of it.
i don't know what it is
to live without a care in the world.
i want to be free.
i want to make my own decisions.
i want to fail. i want to succeed.
i want to let things happen,
without knowing they will.
i want to know what it feels like,
to tell the whole truth,
no lies, no missed out details.
but you don't understand me,
so it will never be so.

leave what is, exactly as it is.

Longing. Hope. It is for nothing.
No purpose. No reason.
Pointless.

Everybody knows.
Heck, even he knows.
I know that he knows.
I think he's figured out too,
that I know that he does.

It wasn't meant to be like this,
but it is too late now,
and I know what I feel,
what I want, long for, hope for,
desire.

It will not come to anything,
of that I am almost certain.
And even if there were
but a glimmer of hope,
one tiny sparkle;
it cannot come to anything.
I will not let it.

For the start of something always means
the end of something else.
And I don't want that.
The end.
I don't want it.
I want this to be
the story that never ends,
the book where the last page is missing,
the broken record that goes forever
on and on and on.

Finality is death.
Despair. Loss.
Loneliness.
Shattered dreams.
Destruction. Hollowness.
Emptiness. Darkness.

Then comes wistfulness.
Desperation.
Memories.
Tears. Smiles. Laughter.
More tears.
Longing.
Hope.
But it is for nothing.

here's to you.

there is nowhere i feel safer, stronger, than in your arms.
like nothing bad could ever happen.
i just wanted you to know that.

so i know, i know, i know.

it's easier to let go.

in a land far far away.

once upon a time, there was a girl.

most of the time she was happy, but one day, she got to a point in her life when she found she was rather sad a lot.

sometimes the girl knew why she was sad, and sometimes she couldn't understand why tears ran down her face when she listened to slow, sad, songs and watched long, sad, movies. or when she just sat by herself, with nothing swirling in the air around her but her thoughts.

you see, the girl lived with a family that liked to make things rather difficult for her. she didn't know why she was born into such a family, because it seemed like no one else lived in the same situation. when she went to see other people and their families, she felt green with envy when she realised she would never live the way that they did, talk the way that they did, laugh the way that they did.

and she had met a boy.
well, to tell the truth, she had met lots of boys, but usually they didn't mean very much. some of them tried to take advantage of her, and some of the time she let them. then she got to the point that she decided that she would stop letting that happen, and that she would no longer accept anything less than she deserved.

but this boy was different. he was far weirder than the rest, but not in a bad way. people had told her that the day you meet someone who is as weird as you, is the day you meet the person you are meant to be with for the rest of your life. but the girl wasn't entirely sure to believe that.

after a while, she found that thinking about the boy hurt. that she couldn't smile all the time because she didn't have a reason to smile at all. it wasn't just the boy that caused the trouble, it was everything and anything that she used up a lot of her time thinking about. because she thought a lot.

some people called it love, but the girl didn't believe that. she knew she was too young, too naive, too juvenile to experience such a thing. and with her being a wanderer, one who leaves places more scared of what she leaves behind than what awaits where she is heading to, she knew that her heart wasn't built to withstand it.

still, she had hope. because hope was her middle name, after all. not for the boy, not with the boy, but she had hope that one day she would grow up, and she would be strong. and stand on her own, as she didn't need any silly boy to hold her back or bring her dreams crashing down around her. because that's what boys were. silly. and so very, very, never, not ever, worth it.

and one morning, the girl awoke and knew that she had grown. not completely, but almost. she stood by herself and she felt like she was on top of the world.

the day came when she smiled again. and she meant it.

'it is pleasant to sit quietly somewhere.'

they talk too much.
for they have worries, aims, desires,
that i cannot comprehend.

and there is another thing i don't understand.
the things that should mean so much more
mean so little.
and the people who should mean so little
mean so much more.

it doesn't make sense to me,
you're not even worth it.
no one is.

fall into your sunlight

and i've lost who i am
and i can't understand
why my heart is so broken
rejecting your love.

and without love gone wrong
lifeless words carry on
but i know, all i know
is that the end's beginning
who i am from the start
take me home
to my heart
let me go and i will run
i will not be silenced.

all this time spent in vain
wasted years, wasted gain
all is lost, hope remains
and this war's not over
theres a light
theres a sun
taking all the shattered ones
to the place we belong.

nothing.

it's started again.
the feeling that makes me want to close myself off from everything.
give up.

i thought it had gone.
not entirely, but maybe,
just maybe,
it could have disappeared;
stayed hidden away,
for just a few more weeks.

in a way
it is a good thing.
giving up on everything, you see,
means giving up on certain things
that had no hope to begin with.
empty quests.

to have nothing,
to feel nothing,
to want for nothing,
to expect for nothing,
means never being disappointed.

but creeping,
lurking,
somewhere deep inside,
i want to feel some powerless,
nameless urge,
that i used to feel.

the breath of desire.

it's hard to wait around for something that you know might never happen ,but it's even harder to give up, when you know it's everything you want.

a part of me is trying hard
to convince myself that
i could do with you
what i did with the others,
cast them aside,
to focus on the things i really need in life.

but i swore i would change;
and follow what feels right.
the thing is,
nothing does.


everything i know
makes me unsure what to do;
you're everything i want
but i don't need you.

annoying things to do in an elevator.

1. Crack open your briefcase or handbag, peer inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2. Stand silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4. Greet everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5. Meow occasionally.
6. Stare At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of them" - and back away slowly
7. Say 'ding' at each floor.
8. Say "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.
9. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your phone?"
12. Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16. Ask if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
18. Drop a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"
19. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20. Pretend you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
21. Swat at flies that don't exist.
22. Call out "Group hug" then enforce it. 

an impossible wish.

Did you ever fall for someone you know you shouldn't?

Try hard to fight your feelings, but you just couldn't?
You fall deeper with each passing day,
But try to hide it in every possible way.
He's only a friend, and nothing else--
That's the lie you keeping telling yourself.
You keep on saying he's just a bud,
But deep inside, you're falling in love.
You get so giddy when you meet his eyes,
But keep reminding yourself it isn't right.
A simple glance turns into a stare,
But you pretend that you don't care.
It's "not right" for you two to be.
Is that why you hide it so no one can see?
But how long will you pretend?
Keep lying that he's just a friend?
Perhaps your feelings you can never show.
Perhaps it's "wrong" for him to know.
Your friendship can't be risked over this,
So being his girl is an impossible wish... 
-Ella Wheeler Wilcox