stuck.

i have no idea what to write about.
no  depressing poems, lame quotes, funny stories.
nothing.

i am completely and utterly out of ideas. my feelings towards everything are so jumbled that i can't even describe what mood i'm in.

i have nothing to say.

huh?

I just walked downstairs and into the kitchen to get myself something to drink, and before I knew what I was doing, I was eating a banana. The weird thing about that is...

I hate bananas.

So I'm just a little confused. What the hell?

what is love?

I was just on google as usual, looking up some more photos to use here, I guess, and I came across this and there was just no way I was going to leave it there and not post it here:

• “love is when you kiss all the time. then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. my mummy and daddy are like that. they look gross when they kiss.”  (emily – age 9)

• “when my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. so my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. that’s love.” (rebecca – age 7)

• “when someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. you just know that your name is safe in their mouth.” (billy – age 4)

• “love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.” (karl – age 5)

• “love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your french fries without making them give you any of theirs.” (chrissy – age 6)

• “love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.” (terri – age 4)

• “love is when my mummy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is ok.” (danny – age 7)

• “love is what’s in the room with you at christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.” (bobby – age 7)

• “if you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.” (nikka – age 6)

• “love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.” (noelle – age 7)

you only live once.

innocence.

you're right, i can't talk to you. i don't want to, because you're years too late.
don't you see? all the things other people are told by their mothers, i've had to learn for myself.

boy problems? oh wait, i'm not allowed to have any. do you honestly think that if you tell me i can still have guys as friends, i won't ever feel anything else for them? it doesn't work like that.

you can close your eyes to what you see, but you can't close your heart to what you feel.

i love how naive and innocent you think i am. one day, when i tell you all the things that i've done, you'll be in for a shock. i can't wait.

stop it.

can we please stop arguing for five seconds? i can hardly hear myself think.
i think we've figured out over and over again that you'll never be happy with me,
so end that discussion already.

the last five weeks were peaceful. i want them back.

and just like that, everything is back to the way it was.

so at times i can be an emotional wreck.
but that doesn't mean you have to laugh at me.
can't you see i'm crying?

summer?

so it's not technically summer until december, but you just look out the window and try to tell me that. this is as close as it gets.

and seeing as this is really my last term 3 holiday ever, (next year will be study, study study...) i've got a list of things i'll have to do:

1. GET A HAIRCUT. like seriously, i have split ends longer than your mum's facial hair.

2. go to the beach at least twice. i would say at least five times, but i have a feeling the asian mother objects to her daughter going around half naked getting a tan. gotta love those asian mothers.

3. get new bathers. might as well. even if i have a pair i've only worn four times...

4. go to the royal show. who cares if its a total waste of  money, it is something to do, isn't it?

5. on that point, get out of the house at least once every day/night. i'd rather die of anything but boredom.

6. learn some more chords on the guitar. and play the piano again.

7. do absolutely ZERO homework. after all, a year from now i won't even be allowed a life, so i should make the most of it now.

8. go see a movie or two. make that watch any movie, anywhere, any time. a marathon of french films sounds  good to me.

9. continue to watch season 2 of the vampire diaries...

10. stop being so bloody lazy! the last three have been about doing nothing...

11. do some exercise? go for a run, walk or bike ride every couple days.

12. have some sort of gathering? i mean no ones been to my house, and this is not an exaggeration...

13. find something cool to do. like tan. i dont want to turn albino any time soon, i've become so pale!

and that is all. thirteen, lucky thirteen...

a question.

why is it that i can make out with random (and sometimes danish) guys all night but when it comes to someone i actually care about, i do nothing?

cracks.

There's a crack in my wall.
It won't go away,
not even if you remove the wall.
The crack will be there forever.

It's a crack in space. In time. The universe.
One by one, it takes things through it.
People from my life, memories, happiness.
One day it will get big enough that it will take me through, and I'll be gone.
It will be as though I never existed.
And the world won't know, because to them, there was nothing to know.
I was never there.

So please, please send someone to fix it.

sleeping beauty

her heart lingered upon
the promises

that were shattered,

forlorn.

it did not matter if the never healing wounds remained;
in her dream, there was...

hope.

love actually.

Daniel: So what's the problem, Sammy-o? Is it just Mum, or is it something else? Maybe... school - are you being bullied? Or is it something worse? Can you give me any clues at all? 
Sam: You really want to know? 
Daniel: I really want to know. 
Sam: Even though you won't be able to do anything to help? 
Daniel: Even if that's the case, yeah. 
Sam: Okay. Well, the truth is... actually... I'm in love. 
Daniel: Sorry? 
Sam: I know I should be thinking about Mum all the time, and I am. But the truth is, I'm in love and I was before she died, and there's nothing I can do about it. 
Daniel: [laughs] Aren't you a bit young to be in love? 
Sam: No. 
Daniel: Oh, well, okay... right. Well, I mean, I'm a little relieved. 
Sam: Why? 
Daniel: Well, because I thought it would be something worse. 
Sam: [incredulous] Worse than the total agony of being in love? 
Daniel: Oh. No, you're right. Yeah, total agony. 

red.

it's my favourite colour. why? i don't know. i used to love the colour purple, but i was always told red suited me best. and so i decided to like red. that's it.


red is cupid, and the devil. it stands for love, lust, passion, anger, sin, and beauty too.


it means courage, and it catches attention.


strawberries are red.
roses are red.
when its cold my ears go red.
my maths book is red.
coke is red.
ladybirds are red.
blood is red.


all i know is, if this colour didn't exist, the world would be a very ugly place. just saying.

hilarious.

this isn't mine, but i just found this somewhere and had to share it with you:


it was school day, and i was getting ready to get on the bus, so naturally i was like   . so i was doin’ my thang, and eating a banana as i got on. then i saw the driver and he was all like    so i was like   and he was like    so i was like .  i wasn’t allowed to eat the banana.


~~~~~~~~~ 1 hour later ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


i finally got to school and was like    and i walked into my classroom and the teacher was like    so i was like    and then i went to my first class. it was music class. the teacher was like    and i was like   then that class was over and i went to english. i was like   but the teacher still gave a lot of homework. the girl next to me was like    but the teacher was like   then i went to spanish and the teacher was like    and i got in trouble for some reason so i had to go the principal’s office so i was like    when i got to the office, the principal and nurse were like    and i was like   but then they stopped and the principal was like   so i was like    and she was like OKAY,    then the day went by and the school was out. all the kids were like   and like    but i just got on the bus and the driver was still like 
the end.

a bit of a change

Why hello there. *raises eyebrows seedily* So..to lighten the mood of this "emo blog" as some friend of mine likes to call it, I think I'll have to make this blog post uh...happy? How to do this? I wonder. And you may wonder too because if you've read the last fifteen or so posts, you might have thought I really need to get out into the sunshine and...dance around. Please note the dots. If you actually expect me to get out and dance around in the sun, then leave. I'd much rather sit in my corner and cry, thank you very much. Woah just joking, I'm not emo. Am I? *strangled laughter*

I'm a bit stuck with making this post entertaining, however.
For one thing, my entire page is black. I'm not changing it back to white, don't even think to suggest such a thing! *gasps in shock*
And not to mention the only entertaining, but not depressing, things I've put up here are probably bitching about the world and the people in it.

So how exactly do I get your attention? And by attention I don't mean 'Wow that girl needs help, can someone please book her into Graylands?' - which is a mental institution, just in case you were wondering or forgot you spent a year there.

Well, I saw a car crash today? But it's rather difficult to describe a car crash, so I think I'll just leave that to one sentence...*confused*

What to write, what to write? *thinks hard*

You might be happy to know I didn't write any depressing or hopeless poems during school today. Snaps for me.

If you've even got this far into my ramblings and aren't freaked out, then you're probably one of my friends who already knows how odd I am. I mean that's why we're friends, right? *awkward silence*

Speaking of awkwardness, today whilst avoiding playing soccer (*coughs* I'm sick.) a friend and I came up with some pretty dardy (did I just say dardy? err...kill me now!) awkward things. You know, there's the awkward turtle, palm tree, etc.

Well I've come up with the awkward axe. And the awkward knife. And the awkward chainsaw. Next plan is to find out how to do the awkward suicidal rope.

And the awkward overdose.

'You're kidding, right?' is what's running through your head right now, along with other commonly used phrases such as 'What a freak,' and 'Okayyy......*frightened*'

But who knows, maybe I do need help. Though suggesting it to me might not be the best thing to do, you know, I might come along and use the awkward axe on you. With a real axe.

i caught you staring at me;

so i stared right back.

sentimental.

i want to do more than this
but i'm too afraid to make a move
i thought i was happy
with the way we were
but i know now that i'm not.

when i see you i'm confused;
why do i hurt, and thrill at the same time?

what can i do to help you see?
you mean more to me than could ever be.

what am i to you?

when you kissed me,
i didn't pull away because i didn't want it.
i pulled away because i wanted more,
but i wanted to be sure it was real.

and of course, i didn't realise that
it was you that i wanted
until a second later.

risky.

depressed?

okay, maybe i am. just a little bit.
but a lot of the time i'm fine, it's really just when i'm alone with time to think that i realise just how disillusioned with my life i am.
so don't take one read of this blog and think, wow, this kid is messed up.
because everyone is, some people are just too dumb to realise it.

some day, hopefully soon, you'll be able to read this and not be shocked. because i'll have written something happy. and in it's own way, that would be shocking too; it's been a while.

but until then, you'll have to deal with the hormonal, sad, teenage girl that screams through these words. metaphorically, that is.

scared.

talk to me.
i want to know exactly what's running through your mind.

i am scared.
i'm scared of what you think of me.
i'm scared that what i feel for you, is unrequited;
that i am alone in what i feel, think, dream, hope.
most of all, i'm scared of losing you,
the way i know you now.

please, don't leave me hanging.
you can either let me fall, or save me.
but i won't settle for anything in between.

sais-tu?

chaque fois que tu t'en vas,

je prétends que tout va bien.

chaque fois que je me sens seul,

je peux poser le blâme sur toi.

mais chaque fois que tu est ici,

je ne sais pas quoi je dois faire.

tu m'as eu comme un fusil chargé,

soleil d'or et le ciel si bleu,

nous savons ce que nous voulons,

eh bien je sais, qu'en penses-tu?

mais tu sais que tu ne me laisses pas le choix,

je compte les larmes jusqu'à j'arrive sur toi.

hope.

If you love something, let it go.
If it comes back to you, it's yours.
If it doesn't, then it never was.

hypocrite.

That's me, what I am.

I don't intend to be one, it's just, I change my mind about things too much. I say love is a silly word, and then start to fall in it. If I kept my thoughts to myself then it wouldn't be so bad. I'd just be the girl that can't make up her mind. I know I'm indecisive, I know I'm irrational and I know I'm rash. I'm one of those people that thinks, about everything, anything, all the time. All the what if's, the why not's.

I wish I didn't. I wish I could be happy for each moment as it passes, instead of breaking it down to think of it as the result of something else said, something else done. Always afraid to do something because there could be consequences I'm not yet ready to handle.

At times, I'm a mess. I know, trust me. But it can't be helped.

Why do I have to mess everything up?

love her

Love her, love her, love her! If she favours you, love her. If she wounds you, love her. If she tears your heart to pieces – and as it gets older and stronger, it will tear deeper – love her, love her, love her!

please hear what I'm not saying.

I hadn't expected to feel like this,
but I don't know why I didn't realise that I did,
until now.

Now I know.
That it wasn't him, it was never him.
Nor was it anybody else,
because it was you.

It was you.
It was always you.

Please tell me it's not too late,
I've screwed up too many things in the last few months,
with everything, and everyone.

Please hear what I'm not saying, please realise
that just because I put up a front like I didn't care, that
I didn't mean it at all.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Just because she comes off strong,
doesn't mean she didn't fall asleep crying.
And even though she acts like nothing is wrong,
maybe,
just maybe,
she's really good at lying.

---------------------------------------------------------

All I need is just
one chance, one kiss, one night,
to show you what you mean to me.

One chance, to show you how we are so alike.

One kiss, to prove we are more than friends.

One night, to hold you tight.

the unqualified truth.

I know to my sorrow, often and often, if not always, that I love him against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be. Once for all, I love him nonetheless because I know it, and it has no more influence in restraining me, than if I had devoutly believed him to be human perfection.

insane.

I would rather die now,

knowing that I tried, than

live a hundred years,

never having failed,

the only reason for that

being that I had done

nothing.

If there really is something more,

more than this,

then hit me.

I want to feel something.

I want to know for sure

that I am alive.

The words you said to me

will drive me mad.

I hear them,

over and over

 in my head,

and will continue to,

until I understand,

or turn insane.

But wait.

Who is to say that those in insane asylums

are the crazy ones?

Nothing proves we are sane, just because

we aren’t like them.

It’s possible that they are there

because they choose to be, they are

so far ahead with their thinking that

they choose to let us believe

we are better than them.

I know it has been months,

but still it’s too hard.

I long so much just to

hold on to that feeling.

That feeling of what we never were,

but could have been.

If you gave it a chance.

That’s all it needed.

One chance.

But you were too afraid,

and I was as well.

I still am.

I wish I could forget you,

what we were meant to be.

I wish I could forget you,

like I’ve forgotten me.

Out of here.

When something doesn't quite work out, I think of you. Because that's when everything began to go downhill, that night so many months ago. Why? I'm not completely sure. I don't even think you noticed I had changed. 

But that's when I started giving up. After that, I gave up on people. Friends, family, everyone. I distanced myself, and I really didn't care, because I realised that nothing mattered enough for me to.

One day, I'll be out of here, and you will either remember me, or you won't. I'm going to meet new people, become part of other people's lives, and I'll be happy. And maybe you'll stay here, or you'll leave. Who knows? I might even see you again, pass you in the street. And it won't be uncomfortable. You'll ask me how I am and I'll honestly reply that I'm fine, that everything turned out just the way it should have.

Right now, I don't feel like that. I feel like every little thing I do, every word I say, could mean the end of something. Of a friendship, relationship, anything. But that's the risk I'm willing to take, if it takes me one moment further, one day closer to a life where I am perfectly at ease.

So I hope you're happy. In fact, I know you are, you're so happy with what you have now, that you don't even have time to stop, and think, about that girl you used to know. It's not like I expect you to try now though. You had your chance.

forget it.

unbreakable.

worthy.

I’ve made mistakes in my life.

I’ve let people take advantage of me,

and I’ve accepted way less than I should have.

But I’ve learned from my bad choices,

and even though there are some things

I can never get back and people who will

never be sorry, I’ll know better next time and

I won’t settle for anything less than I deserve.