is it even worth it?

i wasn't looking when i stumbled on to you, must have been fate
but so much is at stake, what the fuck does it take?
let's cut to the chase, before the door shuts in your face
promise me if i cave in and break
and leave myself open
that i won't be making a mistake.

say it.

no. i never say it.

saying it would make me feel weak. vulnerable.

opening up like that, it's just not what i do.

and besides, i'm not even sure about it all anyway.

my body is a cage that keeps me from dancing with the one i love

but my mind holds the key.

your ex-lover is dead.

God, that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said, "Yes, I think we've met before"
In that instant it started to pour

Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across Pont Champlain
And all of that time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
You tried to reach deep but you never got in
And now you're outside me, you see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

Nothing but time and a face that you'll lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard, I'll send you the news
From the house down the road from real love

Live through this and you won't look back 
Live through this and you won't look back
Live through this and you won't look back

There's one thing I have to say so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save 

let's go sailing.

The sky looks pretty
normal and so do the trees.
I woke up pretty
early and I could see
that I've been walking
I've been thinking
I've been looking at you
sideways.
I've been moving
I've been dreaming
I've been looking at you
sideways.
I have no problems
dipping in my feet
But the trouble comes when
I have to jump
and all the reasons not to
seem pretty good
at the time.
'cause I've been walking
I've been thinking
I've been looking at you
sideways.
Yeah I've been moving
I've been dreaming
I've been looking at you
sideways. 

the tragic hero.

his flaws are the ultimate cause of his own downfall and death.

there's something in the water

I don't want to know you, 
not like I used to know people. 
I don't want to change you, 
not like I used to change people. 
I just want to have you here.

l'education

So apparently now I am aiming for exam results in the high 80s - at minimum - for all six of my subjects.

This will involve limited internet access, disregarding of social events, and a minimum of three hours study per night. Yes, that includes Fridays. And on Saturdays I'm going to be studying around about six hours, with a similar figure for Sundays. Dinner will be served at precisely the same time as the news. And I'm now required to read the newspaper every morning without fail.

I should probably inquire as to whether I have allocated times for breathing as well.

The Return of Dickhead Bob

Yes.

He's back.

And now he loves himself even more than ever.

It's a bit ridiculous really.

One day, he's going to discover the real world, outside of his little pond. He's going to find a road. Full of cars, trucks, and mischievous little boys that like killing things for their own amusement.

And he's going to get squished flat.

Stay tuned for the continuation of the story of his sad little life.

Salut. Je m'appelle Nuttellie.

One year ago today, I would have been on the plane en route to Paris. It's funny how quickly time flies.

They like their Nutella, the French.

And that's about all I managed to learn whilst I was over there.

VIVA LA FRANCE.

second thoughts.

unsure?

i let go of my hand.

like a rolling stone.

someone like you.

In life we all have an unspeakable secret, an irreversible regret, an unreachable dream and an unforgettable love.

That was the thing. You just never knew. Forever was so many different things. It was always changing, it was what everything was really all about. It was twenty minutes, or a hundred years, or just this instant, or any instant I wished would last and last. but there was one truth about forever that really mattered, and that was this: it was happening. right then...and every moment afterwards.
-the truth about forever

if you knew my story word for word, had all of my history, would you go along with someone like me?

"I don't know what it is about you, maybe it's the way nothing else matters when we're talking, or how you make me smile more than anyone else has. It could be the way that you say the exact right thing at exactly the right time but whatever it is, I just want you to know that it means everything to me." http://heavenly--quotes.xanga.com/

no matter how carefully you choose your words, they'll always end up being twisted by others.

lucid dreams.

i feel stupid and contagious

here we are now, entertain us.

say reduce me, seduce me.

i want to create something beautiful, and watch it fall to pieces before my eyes.
i want to make such a monumental mistake that i have to start all over again.
back to the beginning. a new place.
somewhere that no one is safe.
i want to know what it is like to lose everything.
i want to be destroyed. to be completely helpless.
i want you to win my heart, and then rip it out.

only then will i know that i am truly alive.

i could feel my eyes turn to dust. everything, turn to dust.

Sleep don't visit, so I choke on sun
And the days blur into one
And the backs of my eyes hum with things I've never done

Sheets are swaying from an old clothesline
Like a row of captured ghosts over old dead grass
Was never much but we made the most
Welcome home

Ships are launching from my chest
Some have names but most do not
If you find one, please let me know what piece I've lost

Peel the scars from off my back
I don't need them anymore
You can throw them out or keep them in your mason jars
I've come home

All my nightmares escaped my head
Bar the door, please don't let them in
You were never supposed to leave
Now my head's splitting at the seams
And I don't know if I can

Here, beneath my lungs, I feel your thumbs press into my skin again 

i still feel like a child.

i still need you by my side.
i still hear you late at night.

art should astonish, transmute, transfix. one must work at the tissue between truth and paranoia.

"drawing is the art of being able to leave an accurate record of the experience of what one isn't, of what one doesn't know. a great drawer is either confirming beautifully what is commonplace or probing authoritatively the unknown."

he doesn't look a thing like jesus

but he talks like a gentleman, like you imagined when you were young.

a world without chocolate is a world without smiles.

i feel sorry for anyone who doesn't like/can't eat it.

seriously.

CHOCOLATE.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

like a G6? parlez vous francais? runaway?

couldn't figure out what song to put as my blog title...

i fell asleep before you put up your response, so yeah. my bad. i was worn out.

but sure, why don't i make a CD of those songs for you?? joking. i think i might put them on an audio cassette and take it to the hippie commune which isn't too far from me. there actually is a hippie commune. i'll show you one day. they have all their furniture on the front porch. and a garden round the side that everyone can see from the highway. but there's probably another garden behind that garden...full of green leafy plants...or i'm just stereotyping. but they don't wear shoes!

on a side note, tell me when i'm bringing the mood down. tell me whenever you feel like you don't know what to do. when you're sad. ecstatically happy. everything. always.

i feel like we're blair and serena from gossip girl...

PLEASE LET ME BE BLAIR.

i have a lot more indie songs where that came from.

I mean it.


There's even an album made by people who are completely high all the time. I've probably only heard each of these songs once, but they entertained me for an afternoon.


Here are some of their lyrics:


I've Got Some Friends:


bliss void form awareness appearance brilliance emptiness clarity

hey have you noticed?
everyone is crazy

i've got some friends that you should meet
all good men
all good women
are their names
but don't go see them if you're shy
cause they are always in embrace beyond propriety

i've got some friends that you should meet
all good men
all good women
are their names
but don't go see them if you're shy
cause they are always in embrace beyond propriety

who can obstruct a mind free in crazy joy?
who can contrive an answer to my questions never asked
a questionless life a la hoooooooo

Like a white cloud floating free aimless I wander, 

like a white cloud floating free
aimless i wander
a vagrant without worth
like a white cloud floating free
aimless i wander
a vagrant without worth
like a white cloud floating free
aimless i wander
a vagrant without worth
like a white cloud floating free
aimless i wander
a vagrant without worth

that's how it should be
that's how it is
that's how it should be
that's how it is

like a white cloud free
that's how it is
like a white cloud free
that's how it should be
like a white cloud free
that's how it should be
like a white cloud free
that's how it is 


Love, Love Love:


Every precious human being's been a precious parent to you X2

What can be done
What can we do
What can be done
What can we do

Go out and love, love, love everyone X4




There's So Many Colours:


There's so many colours without the dirty windows

Shades of purple mainly, but clarity and sharpness too while

The mountains slip through
Herds of elk to return to the plains.
Plainly sky shades blue endlessly
Mountains they plane towards sky, endlessly
Plains parallel sky,

and illusory appear to meet
Illusory at points horize, but
no point exists

Sun rise, sun set
Sun ever set and rise to reach

Sun, a chemical reacting ahead above then gone behind, and thus are days and time and our movement/spaces are defined. We finish in the dark

Mountains plane towards sky behind
Plainly plains sky out ahead,
And trees disappear to us with sun,
That chemical mountain chaser. 






YEAH I LISTEN TO THIS STUFF...(I'm not crazy...)



But yeah, you're probably more Asian than I am. Which is good, it means I won't have to let go of my heritage any time soon.


And I already have taken over the world, honestly. You're so oblivious. Next step, the universe.

je t'aime, je t'aime.

insert title here.

yeah, my title is so damn creative. usually i just use random words or phrases or song lyrics just to confuse people and make them think, "wow this girl is so deep man like wow, she's just so deep."

pretty sure that all this crying is going to drain all the fluid from my body so tomorrow we're going to come to school looking like wrinkly old ladies! i hope not.

hence why i'm trying to make this one less emotionally destructive.

but yeah. i'm not sure what to say here. but i want to say something. but i don't know what to say a lot of the time. which is why people think i'm all dark and mysterious when usually i'm just trying to think of something to say that isn't horrible. jokes. more like something that isn't just plain freaky.

i think i do all that stuff with so much emotion because...let's face it. i'm emotional. apparently that's not a good thing, according to my mother, because i've got to step back and focus on school. not disasters happening across the globe when i'm meant to be studying for maths...yeah. it happens.

i'm liking the idea of sifting through your personality and your subconscious. it makes me feel like something supernatural. be my superhero too?

aqualung.

Need to know 
If you're letting go 
It's alright,alright, it's alright 
Didn't know 
I was hurting you so 
It's alright, alright, it's alright. 

You came to me from nowhere 
With nothing 
And no-one 
Hold tight, hold tight, hold tight 
Goes to show 
You never really know 
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright 

This is just one of those 
Lonely night 
The good times gonna come 

See me then 
Investing so much 
In you, in you, in you 
Came so close 
To the edge 
I do, I do, I do 

This is just one of those 
Lonely night 
The good times gonna come 

In the end 
We let it go away 
We let it float away 
On the breeze 

'Round the bend 
The sun is in the sky 
It's starting to look like 
It's gonna be, yeah, it's gonna be 
A bright 
Beautiful day 
Yeah, the good times gonna come, oh no 
The good times gonna come, yeah, yeah, 

This is just one of those 
Lonely night 
The good times gonna come, oh, 
The good times gonna come, oh yeah 
The good times gonna come, ohh 
The good times gonna come, yeah. 
Need to know if you're letting go 
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright

i know i'm not an honest person by nature. fucking hell, i know it. but i'm trying.

because i want you to know who i am. you're the first person i've come across in my life that i've felt i can tell anything to. the first person i've come across in my life that i've ever actually been jealous of. truly. and i don't just mean in the light of recent events. your family, your confidence, god i don't know what else.

i guess you're like a sister to me in a way, and sometimes i feel like i have to be in competition with you or something, which is just fucking stupid.

i've done a lot of things that i regret. there are things that i can't, that i never will, tell anyone. but i know that if i ever found the courage to say it, it would be to you.

and sometimes i feel like you do so many rash things and yes, sometimes it makes me mad, because i feel like you just do them without a care in the world. i used to think that's what makes us different.

but we really are so much more similar than that. we're just kids. we make mistakes. all the time. we don't know what we're doing. we can't be expected to know, that's why we have the rest of our lives to live. to make more mistakes, learn from them, and try not to make the same ones twice.

i know you know me more than so many others ever will. and you're right, sometimes i try to act like i don't care when i really do. but it's the only way i can cope, otherwise i'd be a wreck. i don't get why but i just get so easily affected by things that shouldn't even affect me at all.

so don't think it's all because of you. don't you ever. i love you, you're my best friend, and i want to be there for you for as long as time takes us.

there's just some other shit in my life right now that i'm having a hard time dealing with, and lately i've just felt so alone because i know you've been distant with me for that other reason, and i just haven't been able to deal with anything. i can't open up to anyone else. not even my own family.

we need each other. and i fucking love you, that's why i'm crying right now.
my life without you in it wouldn't be a life at all.

i didn't know what to say

so i didn't say anything at all.

que??

you'll have to forgive him, he's from barcelona.

atavism.

there's nothing i can say to make it try and feel okay
there's nothing you can do to stop you feeling the way you do
but if the chance should happen that i never see you again
just remember that i'll always love you

i'd be a better person on the other side, i'm sure
you'd find some way to help yourself and find another door
and shrug off minor incidents and make us both feel proud
i just wish i could be there to see you through

you always were the one to make us stand out in a crowd
though every once upon a while your head was in a cloud
there's nothing you could never do to ever let me down
and remember that i'll always love you.

skins

nauseating.

so i haven't kept a meal in for 24 hours.
i wonder how much of me will disappear before they notice.

we are the monsters we dream of.

i know what i want and i know what i need

and you're not it.

you win.

i get it, okay?

i'm done.

well, fuck you then?

i am the square root of minus one.

if i cannot believe in me, who will i then be?

where am i?

its like i want to tell you. but you haven't been there for me lately, so i can't tell fucking anyone. please stop living in your selfish world of lies and deceit, open up to me. i'm not physically capable of dealing with all this shit on my own.

first comes the hair loss

then you stop feeling hungry.

the more i admit it, the less sure i get.

shut up and let me go

your happiness means more to me than my own.

i speak the unspoken language fluently.

i hate bananas

is it dark where you are?

can you count the stars where you are?

devolution.

stop and wait a sec,
when you look at me like that, my darling,
what did you expect?
i probably still adore you with your hands around my neck
or i did last time i checked.

manipulate my mind.

his voice had the terrific suggestiveness of words heard in dreams, of phrases spoken in nightmares.

just nowhere.

gone. disappeared. swept off, without leaving a whisper or a shadow behind.

promises

sometimes i act like i don't care what people think. sometimes i say things that make people think i don't have a care in the world.

but i'm a pathological liar. i can't tell the whole truth, ever.

change is destiny.

there comes a time when you realise that there's no use stopping what is inevitable. you just have to sit back and let it happen. watch. observe. smile a little. act like you belong.

heart of darkness.

is it better to be ignorant and happy, or to not be and be miserable? - eleni temelcos.

in my imagination

Not shy of a spark,
A knife twists at the thought that I should fall short of the mark,
Frightened by the bite though its no harsher than the bark,
Middle of adventure, such a perfect place to start.

fuck this shit.

im always fucking wrong aren't i?

i've lost my hold on having something interesting to say.

let go, and hold my hand.
let go, you'll understand.

you win some, you lose some.

that's all the reassurance i needed.

please don't do this to me.

together we can move mountains
let's not make mountains out of molehills.

so maybe i'm a masochist.

i try to run, but i don't want to ever leave.

i've seen the devil of violence, and the devil of greed, and the devil of hot desire; but, by all the stars!

these were strong, lusty, red-eyed devils, that swayed and drove men-men, i tell you. but as i stood on this hillside, i foresaw that in the blinding sunshine of that land i would become acquainted with a flabby, pretending, weak-eyed devil of a rapacious and pitiless folly.

how insidious he could be, too, i was only to find out several months later and a thousand miles farther.

i don't know why i'm still surprised.

you must fall back upon your own innate strength, upon your own capacity for faithfulness. of course you may be too much of a fool to go wrong, too dull even to know you are being assaulted by the powers of darkness. i take it, no fool ever made a bargain for his soul with the devil: the fool is too much of a fool, or the devil too much of a devil - i don't know which.

or, you may be such a thunderingly exalted creature as to be altogether deaf and blind to anything but heavenly sights and sounds.

i miss the days when my life was totally separate and no one knew anything about me or the people i knew

we are condemned to write what is around us.

would it be like me to give up so easily?

yes, i would believe so.

don't hold this war inside

you've done nothing at all to make me love you less