thanks for all the fish.

I've always had the feeling I could say anything to you.
And you wouldn't judge.
Just listen.

sick of this. sick of this. siiiiiiick of this.

just when i was in the best mood, obviously the parents decide to ruin it for me.
sick of this.

alien emotions.

wow.
i honestly haven't felt this happy for such a long time, it's so alien to me.
i think
i'm almost certain, in fact,
that i'm over him.
truly.
celebrations are in order.

what am i to you?

what am i to you?
tell me darlin' true.
to me you are the sea
vast as you can be
and deep the shade of blue.

when i look into your eyes,
i feel the butterflies,
could you find a love in me,
would you carve me in a tree?
don't fill my heart with lies.

the needing of time.

i really want to like you
i really do wish that i did.
but i don't think i can just yet.
wait for me?

good times gonna come.

Need to know
If you're letting go
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright.

Didn't know
I was hurting you so
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright.

You came to me from nowhere
With nothing
And no-one
Hold tight, hold tight, hold tight.

Goes to show
You never really know
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright.

This is just one of those
Lonely nights
The good times gonna come

See me then
Investing so much
In you, in you, in you.

Came so close
To the edge
I do, I do, I do.

This is just one of those
Lonely nights
The good times gonna come

In the end
We let it go away
We let it float away
On the breeze

'Round the bend
The sun is in the sky
It's starting to look like
It's gonna be, yeah, it's gonna be
A bright,
Beautiful day

The good times gonna come, oh no
The good times gonna come, yeah, yeah...

This is just one of those
Lonely nights

The good times gonna come, oh,
The good times gonna come, oh yeah
The good times gonna come, ohh
The good times gonna come, yeah.

Need to know if you're letting go
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright. 

what would you do, if my heart was torn in two?

i don't have it in me to hate you.
why, i don't have it in me to hate full stop.
it hurts enough just caring too much;

imagine what hating would do to me.

finally.

you know what? i think i'm getting over you.

there may be a lot more fish in the sea,
but in this little rock pool i'm watching over,
there's about 5.
so i guess there's nothing to do now
but wait.
and see which one i'll catch first...

fed up.

enough.
i fucking give up.
you're always going to be disappointed in me no matter what.
even if i decide to actually try for once.
your expectations of me will just get higher and higher,
even more unreachable than they were to begin with.
you always want more;
always, endlessly,
searching for something better.
but what if i'm happy just being me?
just being.
moving on, progressing,
i'm sick of it.
i don't know what it is
to live without a care in the world.
i want to be free.
i want to make my own decisions.
i want to fail. i want to succeed.
i want to let things happen,
without knowing they will.
i want to know what it feels like,
to tell the whole truth,
no lies, no missed out details.
but you don't understand me,
so it will never be so.

leave what is, exactly as it is.

Longing. Hope. It is for nothing.
No purpose. No reason.
Pointless.

Everybody knows.
Heck, even he knows.
I know that he knows.
I think he's figured out too,
that I know that he does.

It wasn't meant to be like this,
but it is too late now,
and I know what I feel,
what I want, long for, hope for,
desire.

It will not come to anything,
of that I am almost certain.
And even if there were
but a glimmer of hope,
one tiny sparkle;
it cannot come to anything.
I will not let it.

For the start of something always means
the end of something else.
And I don't want that.
The end.
I don't want it.
I want this to be
the story that never ends,
the book where the last page is missing,
the broken record that goes forever
on and on and on.

Finality is death.
Despair. Loss.
Loneliness.
Shattered dreams.
Destruction. Hollowness.
Emptiness. Darkness.

Then comes wistfulness.
Desperation.
Memories.
Tears. Smiles. Laughter.
More tears.
Longing.
Hope.
But it is for nothing.

here's to you.

there is nowhere i feel safer, stronger, than in your arms.
like nothing bad could ever happen.
i just wanted you to know that.

so i know, i know, i know.

it's easier to let go.

in a land far far away.

once upon a time, there was a girl.

most of the time she was happy, but one day, she got to a point in her life when she found she was rather sad a lot.

sometimes the girl knew why she was sad, and sometimes she couldn't understand why tears ran down her face when she listened to slow, sad, songs and watched long, sad, movies. or when she just sat by herself, with nothing swirling in the air around her but her thoughts.

you see, the girl lived with a family that liked to make things rather difficult for her. she didn't know why she was born into such a family, because it seemed like no one else lived in the same situation. when she went to see other people and their families, she felt green with envy when she realised she would never live the way that they did, talk the way that they did, laugh the way that they did.

and she had met a boy.
well, to tell the truth, she had met lots of boys, but usually they didn't mean very much. some of them tried to take advantage of her, and some of the time she let them. then she got to the point that she decided that she would stop letting that happen, and that she would no longer accept anything less than she deserved.

but this boy was different. he was far weirder than the rest, but not in a bad way. people had told her that the day you meet someone who is as weird as you, is the day you meet the person you are meant to be with for the rest of your life. but the girl wasn't entirely sure to believe that.

after a while, she found that thinking about the boy hurt. that she couldn't smile all the time because she didn't have a reason to smile at all. it wasn't just the boy that caused the trouble, it was everything and anything that she used up a lot of her time thinking about. because she thought a lot.

some people called it love, but the girl didn't believe that. she knew she was too young, too naive, too juvenile to experience such a thing. and with her being a wanderer, one who leaves places more scared of what she leaves behind than what awaits where she is heading to, she knew that her heart wasn't built to withstand it.

still, she had hope. because hope was her middle name, after all. not for the boy, not with the boy, but she had hope that one day she would grow up, and she would be strong. and stand on her own, as she didn't need any silly boy to hold her back or bring her dreams crashing down around her. because that's what boys were. silly. and so very, very, never, not ever, worth it.

and one morning, the girl awoke and knew that she had grown. not completely, but almost. she stood by herself and she felt like she was on top of the world.

the day came when she smiled again. and she meant it.

'it is pleasant to sit quietly somewhere.'

they talk too much.
for they have worries, aims, desires,
that i cannot comprehend.

and there is another thing i don't understand.
the things that should mean so much more
mean so little.
and the people who should mean so little
mean so much more.

it doesn't make sense to me,
you're not even worth it.
no one is.

fall into your sunlight

and i've lost who i am
and i can't understand
why my heart is so broken
rejecting your love.

and without love gone wrong
lifeless words carry on
but i know, all i know
is that the end's beginning
who i am from the start
take me home
to my heart
let me go and i will run
i will not be silenced.

all this time spent in vain
wasted years, wasted gain
all is lost, hope remains
and this war's not over
theres a light
theres a sun
taking all the shattered ones
to the place we belong.

nothing.

it's started again.
the feeling that makes me want to close myself off from everything.
give up.

i thought it had gone.
not entirely, but maybe,
just maybe,
it could have disappeared;
stayed hidden away,
for just a few more weeks.

in a way
it is a good thing.
giving up on everything, you see,
means giving up on certain things
that had no hope to begin with.
empty quests.

to have nothing,
to feel nothing,
to want for nothing,
to expect for nothing,
means never being disappointed.

but creeping,
lurking,
somewhere deep inside,
i want to feel some powerless,
nameless urge,
that i used to feel.

the breath of desire.

it's hard to wait around for something that you know might never happen ,but it's even harder to give up, when you know it's everything you want.

a part of me is trying hard
to convince myself that
i could do with you
what i did with the others,
cast them aside,
to focus on the things i really need in life.

but i swore i would change;
and follow what feels right.
the thing is,
nothing does.


everything i know
makes me unsure what to do;
you're everything i want
but i don't need you.

annoying things to do in an elevator.

1. Crack open your briefcase or handbag, peer inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2. Stand silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4. Greet everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5. Meow occasionally.
6. Stare At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of them" - and back away slowly
7. Say 'ding' at each floor.
8. Say "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.
9. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your phone?"
12. Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16. Ask if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
18. Drop a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"
19. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20. Pretend you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
21. Swat at flies that don't exist.
22. Call out "Group hug" then enforce it. 

an impossible wish.

Did you ever fall for someone you know you shouldn't?

Try hard to fight your feelings, but you just couldn't?
You fall deeper with each passing day,
But try to hide it in every possible way.
He's only a friend, and nothing else--
That's the lie you keeping telling yourself.
You keep on saying he's just a bud,
But deep inside, you're falling in love.
You get so giddy when you meet his eyes,
But keep reminding yourself it isn't right.
A simple glance turns into a stare,
But you pretend that you don't care.
It's "not right" for you two to be.
Is that why you hide it so no one can see?
But how long will you pretend?
Keep lying that he's just a friend?
Perhaps your feelings you can never show.
Perhaps it's "wrong" for him to know.
Your friendship can't be risked over this,
So being his girl is an impossible wish... 
-Ella Wheeler Wilcox

regret.

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most: saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing, and wishing you had?

it hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is the most painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel.

Every time you touch me, look at me,

I hope that it's 'the' touch,

'the' look.

The one that will say you're mine.

The one that claims me, and possesses me.

It never is.

plans

We made plans to kiss the sun at night
Hopeless dreamers, hopeless types
Shedding skin you show your beauty scars
Don't forget me or who you are

You know this don't feel right
Who knows what we feel?

I just met you I can read your thoughts
What they tell me is what I want
I'll keep you guessing keep you wanting more
'Cos where we're going no one knows

You know this don't feel right
Who knows this could feel right

I just met you, I swear I read your thoughts
So don't forget me or what you want

Light up the stage, make your move, give me something
So I can dance in your light and to your rhythm

Soon it unfolds who we are in this masquerade of stars
Tear off the mask, the face you hide is what I'm missing

We made plans to kiss the sun at night
Hopeless dreamers, hopeless types
One was turning, one was standing still
I won't forget what was promised here

You know this don't feel right
Who knows what we feel? 

a scary thought.

so i had this funny thought today. what if you read this? all of it. and found out it was all about you.

that would be a little bit shit, just saying.

but it's come to notice that more people read this than i first thought, and only some of them tell me that they do.

so if you have read it at all, and have realised what a lot of the last...twenty? posts are all about...
please tell me.

thankfully i don't think you have, but just in case...

eek.

another person entirely.

something about the way you looked at me

made me think for a moment;

i got this strange feeling inside,

all confused, but hopeful at the same time.

and i looked right back,

wanting to live in that moment for a while.

why can't i ignore it?

i should know better.

are you like that with everyone?

or am i one of the special few?

i guess i'll never know.

but there's something about you.

your eyes.

yes,

there's something about your eyes;

it's as if you can see right through me,

and i into you.

we don't need no education? i think not.

In some ways, I'm glad everyone's back at school.

Because there are people out there who need it, badly. People with grammar so bloody atrocious that it makes me cringe, people who say 'no' instead of 'know.' People who decide to replace real letters with numbers, and use pointless shortcuts that really take just as much time and effort to type, text, write. 

So I wish I could not be such a spelling and grammar freak, but I'm sorry. I will never, ever, ever be able to stand it. Speak the same language as me or let me regard you as an inferior being for the rest of your life.

Of course, friends are different. I think I can handle it when you do it. That doesn't mean I wouldn't prefer you to speak properly, however...

But to everyone else...it just not gonna work u no?

Ugh.

but my heart told my head

i really have no idea what to do or say.

all i know is, that at some point, i really do hope
that i get over you and what's never going to happen.

heck, i don't even want it to.
i honestly believe that
we are completely and utterly perfect
as friends.

that's all i want.
in my head.
but my heart
tells me otherwise.

so what is this?
am i meant to give in to my feelings?
tell you, and quite possibly screw things up forever?
i don't think so.

eight miles high and falling fast.

ladididumladidida

i wish it weren't the case. because that was months and months ago.

and i know i'm most definitely over you.

pfft, i don't think i was even into you for that long.

it's not my fault

that you were the one

that introduced me

to half my favourite music.

go die.

just kidding, i'm not that heartless.

even if i did act that way with you a lot of the time.

oops.

the hills are alive with the sound of it.

so one of my aims for this holiday was to learn a few more things to play on guitar. and i do believe i have succeeded. i even have a blister on the side of my thumb to prove it...

quite honestly, i would die without music. i have to listen to at least half an hour of songs a day, i mean i even need it to go to sleep, otherwise i will lie there for hours on end with nothing but dreary thoughts to occupy my mind.

some of my more well-known favourites, from this century, include songs by muse, the killers, jet, and the arctic monkeys, among others like the strokes, the script, one republic, U2, the temper trap, snow patrol, bluejuice, keane, radiohead, franz ferdinand, band of horses, carolina liar, etc etc. i listen to almost everything, with the exception of most intense screamo that would murder my ears if it could. and don't forget justin bieber. and travis mccoy. and miley cyrus, along with all those other disney-created musical tragedies.

the thing is, i like listening to music that it seems no one has ever listened to, by people that no one seems to have heard of.

but i have to say, the best music in  my opinion is the old stuff. all that from the 60s, 70s, 80s, and early 90s.

i could listen to the rolling stones on repeat for hours. same goes for queen, r.e.m, the cure, and i do rather enjoy playing the beatles alllll day long on weekends.

i love sad songs. ones that make me think about the way things are, used to be, should be. if a song makes me cry, then it has to be a bloody good song. and songs that make me remember people and places i used to know, old memories. happy or sad.

of course i'd love to go on forever listing each individual song that i love, but going through my itunes top rated of 1269 songs, would take a little...while. so i guess i'll leave it at that.

the real fairy tales never had happy endings.

i feel like fucking cinderella. except that my dad's not dead and my stepsisters are actually related to me.

fairy godmother, find me already.

the overwhelming yearning of one human body for another particular one and its indifference to substitutes is one of life’s biggest mysteries.

return to sender.

You can't stand in the doorway, come into my room, sit on my bed, and try to force things out of me.
What do you expect me to say? You wait for an answer that isn't going to come.

Sure, I'll be more involved in the family. Once it begins to operate as one. But that starts at the top. You're meant to be the ones I look up to, that I shape myself on. I really, truly hope someone shoots me if or when I turn out anything the way you are. If the children that I most likely won't have end up looking at me the way I look at you.

I'm perfectly content in my own room, where thoughts can whirl around in my own head. My own thoughts.
I don't need you invading my space. If there's something I want to tell you, I'll tell you. Simple as that.

Then again I love keeping secrets. I love how they slowly, but surely, eat away at my insides until I can hardly take it anymore, so I can do nothing but let them escape through my eyes. You probably don't know what it feels like. Or maybe you do. I know I'm not the only one with things to hide.

The thing is, most of the secrets I keep are not kept by choice. I'd tell you, if you weren't you. If I had parents who listened, who understood, who were prepared to accept having a teenage daughter that made mistakes. One that wasn't perfect.

Don't you see? I want to make the mistakes. I want to make them for myself. It's the only way I'll learn. Warnings won't come to anything, that's down in the history books a thousand times over.

Let me be the imperfect child that does things she regrets.

Otherwise, you'll be disappointed forever.

Because I am that girl, and I always have been.

don't you remember?

I wish you could look at me as the person that you once loved, instead of the person you have grown to hate.

a little girl.

Katie was a little girl, who said "I'll find a way."
Katie was a little girl, who said "I'll be okay."
Then one day she found a little bit of something, she used to drown. 
She said, "I'm alive and I am free, but you see, I have control over me." 

But will you draw the line? 
Turn a blind eye to all the faces that you know? 
And she said, "Go."

Katie was a little girl, who never found the way. 
Katie was a little girl, who never was okay. 
'Cause one day she'd found that little bit of something, she used to drown. 
She said, "I'm alive and I am free, but you see, I have control over me." 

But will you draw the line? 
Turn a blind eye to all the faces that you know? 
And she said, "Go."

She said, "I'm alive and I am free, but you see, I have control over me..." 

But will you draw the line?
Turn a blind eye to all the faces that you know? 

Will you draw the line?

And she said, "Go." 
And she said, "Go."
And she said... "Go."

sink or swim

kamikaze airplanes in the sky,
are we going down or will we fly?

this could be a shipwreck on the shore,
or we could sail away forevermore.

unnatural.

you know there is something wrong with your family when all you hear at dinner is the angry sound of stainless steel against ceramic. the crunching of food. the grinding of teeth. throats, swallowing. one mouthful after agonising mouthful.

and no conversation in between.

not for me.

he can't be for me.
he's too close to perfect.
oh, he has flaws, of course he does.
but so does everybody else.
and his are outnumbered to the point that
they count for nothing.

people keep telling me it could work,
but how?
i don't deserve him.
and he definitely doesn't deserve someone
as messed up as me.

i'm unstable. emotional. indecisive.
at times, i'm heartless.
at others, i care so much
that it hurts.

why would he want me?
why would anyone?
all i do is create trouble.
i'm used to keeping a comfortable distance,
never showing my true feelings.
never telling them that really, i feel nothing,
that they mean not much to me at all.

but he is different.
there is no way in hell that i can say
that i don't feel something.
but it will never happen, and it would never work.

love never lasts.

he's not for me.

i will escape.

forever.

why is it that you always catch me in my weak moments?

i don't care what you have, or might have done,
whatever it is that you don't want me to know.
i know that nothing will ever make me love you any less.
because i'm pretty sure i've already been told, and i don't care.

you make me smile when i don't want to.
i don't know why, or what it is about you that makes you so special.
all i know is that i want to be friends with you
for ever and ever and ever and ever.

invasion.

my friends are my friends for a reason. because they're mine to have. they're not there as a way to get to me. if i don't want to be reached, i'll turn my phone off, i'll reject calls. i shouldn't have to be contacted via other people's phones. that's not the way it works.