something that annoys me

you know you are a normal teen if:
1)you have a facebook
2)you own a cellphone
4)you are wasting your time reading this
5)you didn't realize there was no #3
7)you checked to see if there wasn't a #3
8)O: where's 6?
9)you are smiling now

see, the problem with all these stupid facebook pages, is that they are made by mildly intelligent morons who think they are too damn fucking hilarious. please, leave me in peace, because i don't need to see any more of these.

also. the grimace on my face, and the way i pulled my hair in anguish, was not a smile. thanks.

i can't say i didn't see this coming.

oops.

christmas is all around.

so i'm done with the self-pity act. this blog will contain no more of that, i'm sure it's actually the most annoying thing to read, i mean seriously, if i were someone else reading all the shit i've put on here i'd want to give the writer a slap over the head and say, "get the fuck off your stupid blog and get a life, and in the process please find some feelings for people other than yourself, you miserable sod." i may not be the happiest person out, but the least i could do is keep that to myself instead of making everyone else want to stick pins in their eyes.


so...

christmas is here...again. and i can't say i'm a devout christian or anything, so all christmas seems to me is a whole load of people gathering to get fat on turkey and pudding, and and greedily exchange presents with random relatives you only see once a year.

my sister, being a vegetarian, is going to have a fun time with all her salads, and i'm glad to say that i'm back to eating meat. one can be a total cow without having the same diet as one, you know.

so about the presents. my current state of finances is virtually bankrupt, with the 300 or so dollars left in my account a pathetic attempt at savings. i was meant to get a job these holidays but i'm probably one of the laziest people i know so that never happened...

what did happen though, is that i managed to scrounge up some presents for the family using a variety of book vouchers...mostly from last christmas...see, that's what you get from relatives that don't know you very well. lots and lots of book vouchers. or, an uncle gets you a dress for an eight year old child because he's forgotten how old you are, but somehow it still fits so you use it as pyjamas...

that's the thing. all these relatives have no clue what you really want. i would be happy with money, actually. cash would be nice. then again, i need to save money, so it might be an even better idea to put it straight into my bank account where i have no hope of getting it out as the (other) account my ATM card is actually linked to isn't the one with money in it...three guesses why that is.

then again, it's the thought that counts. and one should really be grateful to receive anything at all - it's a choice made to give gifts, it isn't as though someone/something is going to strike you down if you don't give presents to people. even if that would be kinda funny...
kidding, obviously...

something wrong with me

sometimes i feel i really just don't give a shit about anyone else. i know it's selfish, but i don't know, it's like i could so easily shut myself off from the world and just not care. people could worry about me as much as they wanted to but i'd just stop everything, bar all communications with anyone and everyone. because i'm scared. scared of commitment, scared of trusting, of people relying on me. scared that i'll care too much, or not enough.

people should really think twice about being my friend, because it seems all that happens is that i move on. i'll leave you behind, without a second glance back. i may regret it one day, but it's harder to turn back the clock than you think it is.

don't you see? i can't come back to you. i'm not the person i was when i knew you.

i can't eat. and i don't get why.

so it's that time of year again. the moment every slacker dreads, and the moment every hard-working, goal-achieving other waits for in hopeful anticipation.

reports have been sent out, and of course my parents read it first without even thinking of telling me it had arrived. and it comes along with a set of comments i already knew to expect.

the thing is, i'm sick of being told i don't try hard enough. that i could do better. that i don't focus or contribute. what if i don't want to? what if i don't actually care about any of it at all?

i may not know what i want to do with my life, but i do know that writing an essay or solving an equation isn't going to help me to find out.

might as well have never met you.

i know i should talk to you and ask you how youre doing,
but it just occured to me that we're strangers now.
you dont know me anymore and i no longer know the person you are.
i'm not even sure i ever did.

you put the sun to shame.

If I told you things I did before 
Told you how I used to be 
Would you go along with someone like me?
If you knew my story word for word 
Had all of my history 
Would you go along with someone like me?

contentment.

How can I help you?

It’s okay, I don’t actually think you can…

There’s nothing I cannot do. Nothing. I guarantee it.

Alright…okay…so what do you do when you can’t tell anyone shit because it might really fuck things up…and you don’t know what to do, or what’s happening, you just know that something really, really fucking bad is going down?

Just…no. I think, and I’m not sure…I think you got me there.

Effy: I didn’t want to be on my own.

Freddie: Effy, what the fuck is going on? …I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I shouted at you as well. …Really taking a piss this time.

Effy: Yeah. Freddie, I don’t want them here [the people at the party downstairs]. I thought I did. I thought that was me, but, I don’t know what it is, but, I know you’re the only person I can trust.

Freddie: Effy, nothing bad is gonna happen. I’m gonna take care of you now. Alright? I promise. I promise.

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's either all or none

There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

life on mars.

i love david bowie. he is a legend. just quietly.