fall into your sunlight

and i've lost who i am
and i can't understand
why my heart is so broken
rejecting your love.

and without love gone wrong
lifeless words carry on
but i know, all i know
is that the end's beginning
who i am from the start
take me home
to my heart
let me go and i will run
i will not be silenced.

all this time spent in vain
wasted years, wasted gain
all is lost, hope remains
and this war's not over
theres a light
theres a sun
taking all the shattered ones
to the place we belong.

nothing.

it's started again.
the feeling that makes me want to close myself off from everything.
give up.

i thought it had gone.
not entirely, but maybe,
just maybe,
it could have disappeared;
stayed hidden away,
for just a few more weeks.

in a way
it is a good thing.
giving up on everything, you see,
means giving up on certain things
that had no hope to begin with.
empty quests.

to have nothing,
to feel nothing,
to want for nothing,
to expect for nothing,
means never being disappointed.

but creeping,
lurking,
somewhere deep inside,
i want to feel some powerless,
nameless urge,
that i used to feel.

the breath of desire.

it's hard to wait around for something that you know might never happen ,but it's even harder to give up, when you know it's everything you want.

a part of me is trying hard
to convince myself that
i could do with you
what i did with the others,
cast them aside,
to focus on the things i really need in life.

but i swore i would change;
and follow what feels right.
the thing is,
nothing does.


everything i know
makes me unsure what to do;
you're everything i want
but i don't need you.

annoying things to do in an elevator.

1. Crack open your briefcase or handbag, peer inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2. Stand silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4. Greet everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5. Meow occasionally.
6. Stare At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of them" - and back away slowly
7. Say 'ding' at each floor.
8. Say "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.
9. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your phone?"
12. Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16. Ask if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
18. Drop a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"
19. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20. Pretend you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
21. Swat at flies that don't exist.
22. Call out "Group hug" then enforce it. 

an impossible wish.

Did you ever fall for someone you know you shouldn't?

Try hard to fight your feelings, but you just couldn't?
You fall deeper with each passing day,
But try to hide it in every possible way.
He's only a friend, and nothing else--
That's the lie you keeping telling yourself.
You keep on saying he's just a bud,
But deep inside, you're falling in love.
You get so giddy when you meet his eyes,
But keep reminding yourself it isn't right.
A simple glance turns into a stare,
But you pretend that you don't care.
It's "not right" for you two to be.
Is that why you hide it so no one can see?
But how long will you pretend?
Keep lying that he's just a friend?
Perhaps your feelings you can never show.
Perhaps it's "wrong" for him to know.
Your friendship can't be risked over this,
So being his girl is an impossible wish... 
-Ella Wheeler Wilcox

regret.

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most: saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing, and wishing you had?

it hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is the most painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel.

Every time you touch me, look at me,

I hope that it's 'the' touch,

'the' look.

The one that will say you're mine.

The one that claims me, and possesses me.

It never is.

plans

We made plans to kiss the sun at night
Hopeless dreamers, hopeless types
Shedding skin you show your beauty scars
Don't forget me or who you are

You know this don't feel right
Who knows what we feel?

I just met you I can read your thoughts
What they tell me is what I want
I'll keep you guessing keep you wanting more
'Cos where we're going no one knows

You know this don't feel right
Who knows this could feel right

I just met you, I swear I read your thoughts
So don't forget me or what you want

Light up the stage, make your move, give me something
So I can dance in your light and to your rhythm

Soon it unfolds who we are in this masquerade of stars
Tear off the mask, the face you hide is what I'm missing

We made plans to kiss the sun at night
Hopeless dreamers, hopeless types
One was turning, one was standing still
I won't forget what was promised here

You know this don't feel right
Who knows what we feel? 

a scary thought.

so i had this funny thought today. what if you read this? all of it. and found out it was all about you.

that would be a little bit shit, just saying.

but it's come to notice that more people read this than i first thought, and only some of them tell me that they do.

so if you have read it at all, and have realised what a lot of the last...twenty? posts are all about...
please tell me.

thankfully i don't think you have, but just in case...

eek.

another person entirely.

something about the way you looked at me

made me think for a moment;

i got this strange feeling inside,

all confused, but hopeful at the same time.

and i looked right back,

wanting to live in that moment for a while.

why can't i ignore it?

i should know better.

are you like that with everyone?

or am i one of the special few?

i guess i'll never know.

but there's something about you.

your eyes.

yes,

there's something about your eyes;

it's as if you can see right through me,

and i into you.

we don't need no education? i think not.

In some ways, I'm glad everyone's back at school.

Because there are people out there who need it, badly. People with grammar so bloody atrocious that it makes me cringe, people who say 'no' instead of 'know.' People who decide to replace real letters with numbers, and use pointless shortcuts that really take just as much time and effort to type, text, write. 

So I wish I could not be such a spelling and grammar freak, but I'm sorry. I will never, ever, ever be able to stand it. Speak the same language as me or let me regard you as an inferior being for the rest of your life.

Of course, friends are different. I think I can handle it when you do it. That doesn't mean I wouldn't prefer you to speak properly, however...

But to everyone else...it just not gonna work u no?

Ugh.

but my heart told my head

i really have no idea what to do or say.

all i know is, that at some point, i really do hope
that i get over you and what's never going to happen.

heck, i don't even want it to.
i honestly believe that
we are completely and utterly perfect
as friends.

that's all i want.
in my head.
but my heart
tells me otherwise.

so what is this?
am i meant to give in to my feelings?
tell you, and quite possibly screw things up forever?
i don't think so.

eight miles high and falling fast.