ladididumladidida

i wish it weren't the case. because that was months and months ago.

and i know i'm most definitely over you.

pfft, i don't think i was even into you for that long.

it's not my fault

that you were the one

that introduced me

to half my favourite music.

go die.

just kidding, i'm not that heartless.

even if i did act that way with you a lot of the time.

oops.

the hills are alive with the sound of it.

so one of my aims for this holiday was to learn a few more things to play on guitar. and i do believe i have succeeded. i even have a blister on the side of my thumb to prove it...

quite honestly, i would die without music. i have to listen to at least half an hour of songs a day, i mean i even need it to go to sleep, otherwise i will lie there for hours on end with nothing but dreary thoughts to occupy my mind.

some of my more well-known favourites, from this century, include songs by muse, the killers, jet, and the arctic monkeys, among others like the strokes, the script, one republic, U2, the temper trap, snow patrol, bluejuice, keane, radiohead, franz ferdinand, band of horses, carolina liar, etc etc. i listen to almost everything, with the exception of most intense screamo that would murder my ears if it could. and don't forget justin bieber. and travis mccoy. and miley cyrus, along with all those other disney-created musical tragedies.

the thing is, i like listening to music that it seems no one has ever listened to, by people that no one seems to have heard of.

but i have to say, the best music in  my opinion is the old stuff. all that from the 60s, 70s, 80s, and early 90s.

i could listen to the rolling stones on repeat for hours. same goes for queen, r.e.m, the cure, and i do rather enjoy playing the beatles alllll day long on weekends.

i love sad songs. ones that make me think about the way things are, used to be, should be. if a song makes me cry, then it has to be a bloody good song. and songs that make me remember people and places i used to know, old memories. happy or sad.

of course i'd love to go on forever listing each individual song that i love, but going through my itunes top rated of 1269 songs, would take a little...while. so i guess i'll leave it at that.

the real fairy tales never had happy endings.

i feel like fucking cinderella. except that my dad's not dead and my stepsisters are actually related to me.

fairy godmother, find me already.

the overwhelming yearning of one human body for another particular one and its indifference to substitutes is one of life’s biggest mysteries.

return to sender.

You can't stand in the doorway, come into my room, sit on my bed, and try to force things out of me.
What do you expect me to say? You wait for an answer that isn't going to come.

Sure, I'll be more involved in the family. Once it begins to operate as one. But that starts at the top. You're meant to be the ones I look up to, that I shape myself on. I really, truly hope someone shoots me if or when I turn out anything the way you are. If the children that I most likely won't have end up looking at me the way I look at you.

I'm perfectly content in my own room, where thoughts can whirl around in my own head. My own thoughts.
I don't need you invading my space. If there's something I want to tell you, I'll tell you. Simple as that.

Then again I love keeping secrets. I love how they slowly, but surely, eat away at my insides until I can hardly take it anymore, so I can do nothing but let them escape through my eyes. You probably don't know what it feels like. Or maybe you do. I know I'm not the only one with things to hide.

The thing is, most of the secrets I keep are not kept by choice. I'd tell you, if you weren't you. If I had parents who listened, who understood, who were prepared to accept having a teenage daughter that made mistakes. One that wasn't perfect.

Don't you see? I want to make the mistakes. I want to make them for myself. It's the only way I'll learn. Warnings won't come to anything, that's down in the history books a thousand times over.

Let me be the imperfect child that does things she regrets.

Otherwise, you'll be disappointed forever.

Because I am that girl, and I always have been.

don't you remember?

I wish you could look at me as the person that you once loved, instead of the person you have grown to hate.

a little girl.

Katie was a little girl, who said "I'll find a way."
Katie was a little girl, who said "I'll be okay."
Then one day she found a little bit of something, she used to drown. 
She said, "I'm alive and I am free, but you see, I have control over me." 

But will you draw the line? 
Turn a blind eye to all the faces that you know? 
And she said, "Go."

Katie was a little girl, who never found the way. 
Katie was a little girl, who never was okay. 
'Cause one day she'd found that little bit of something, she used to drown. 
She said, "I'm alive and I am free, but you see, I have control over me." 

But will you draw the line? 
Turn a blind eye to all the faces that you know? 
And she said, "Go."

She said, "I'm alive and I am free, but you see, I have control over me..." 

But will you draw the line?
Turn a blind eye to all the faces that you know? 

Will you draw the line?

And she said, "Go." 
And she said, "Go."
And she said... "Go."

sink or swim

kamikaze airplanes in the sky,
are we going down or will we fly?

this could be a shipwreck on the shore,
or we could sail away forevermore.

unnatural.

you know there is something wrong with your family when all you hear at dinner is the angry sound of stainless steel against ceramic. the crunching of food. the grinding of teeth. throats, swallowing. one mouthful after agonising mouthful.

and no conversation in between.

not for me.

he can't be for me.
he's too close to perfect.
oh, he has flaws, of course he does.
but so does everybody else.
and his are outnumbered to the point that
they count for nothing.

people keep telling me it could work,
but how?
i don't deserve him.
and he definitely doesn't deserve someone
as messed up as me.

i'm unstable. emotional. indecisive.
at times, i'm heartless.
at others, i care so much
that it hurts.

why would he want me?
why would anyone?
all i do is create trouble.
i'm used to keeping a comfortable distance,
never showing my true feelings.
never telling them that really, i feel nothing,
that they mean not much to me at all.

but he is different.
there is no way in hell that i can say
that i don't feel something.
but it will never happen, and it would never work.

love never lasts.

he's not for me.

i will escape.

forever.

why is it that you always catch me in my weak moments?

i don't care what you have, or might have done,
whatever it is that you don't want me to know.
i know that nothing will ever make me love you any less.
because i'm pretty sure i've already been told, and i don't care.

you make me smile when i don't want to.
i don't know why, or what it is about you that makes you so special.
all i know is that i want to be friends with you
for ever and ever and ever and ever.

invasion.

my friends are my friends for a reason. because they're mine to have. they're not there as a way to get to me. if i don't want to be reached, i'll turn my phone off, i'll reject calls. i shouldn't have to be contacted via other people's phones. that's not the way it works.