Why do I have to mess everything up?

love her

Love her, love her, love her! If she favours you, love her. If she wounds you, love her. If she tears your heart to pieces – and as it gets older and stronger, it will tear deeper – love her, love her, love her!

please hear what I'm not saying.

I hadn't expected to feel like this,
but I don't know why I didn't realise that I did,
until now.

Now I know.
That it wasn't him, it was never him.
Nor was it anybody else,
because it was you.

It was you.
It was always you.

Please tell me it's not too late,
I've screwed up too many things in the last few months,
with everything, and everyone.

Please hear what I'm not saying, please realise
that just because I put up a front like I didn't care, that
I didn't mean it at all.

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Just because she comes off strong,
doesn't mean she didn't fall asleep crying.
And even though she acts like nothing is wrong,
maybe,
just maybe,
she's really good at lying.

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All I need is just
one chance, one kiss, one night,
to show you what you mean to me.

One chance, to show you how we are so alike.

One kiss, to prove we are more than friends.

One night, to hold you tight.

the unqualified truth.

I know to my sorrow, often and often, if not always, that I love him against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be. Once for all, I love him nonetheless because I know it, and it has no more influence in restraining me, than if I had devoutly believed him to be human perfection.

insane.

I would rather die now,

knowing that I tried, than

live a hundred years,

never having failed,

the only reason for that

being that I had done

nothing.

If there really is something more,

more than this,

then hit me.

I want to feel something.

I want to know for sure

that I am alive.

The words you said to me

will drive me mad.

I hear them,

over and over

 in my head,

and will continue to,

until I understand,

or turn insane.

But wait.

Who is to say that those in insane asylums

are the crazy ones?

Nothing proves we are sane, just because

we aren’t like them.

It’s possible that they are there

because they choose to be, they are

so far ahead with their thinking that

they choose to let us believe

we are better than them.

I know it has been months,

but still it’s too hard.

I long so much just to

hold on to that feeling.

That feeling of what we never were,

but could have been.

If you gave it a chance.

That’s all it needed.

One chance.

But you were too afraid,

and I was as well.

I still am.

I wish I could forget you,

what we were meant to be.

I wish I could forget you,

like I’ve forgotten me.

Out of here.

When something doesn't quite work out, I think of you. Because that's when everything began to go downhill, that night so many months ago. Why? I'm not completely sure. I don't even think you noticed I had changed. 

But that's when I started giving up. After that, I gave up on people. Friends, family, everyone. I distanced myself, and I really didn't care, because I realised that nothing mattered enough for me to.

One day, I'll be out of here, and you will either remember me, or you won't. I'm going to meet new people, become part of other people's lives, and I'll be happy. And maybe you'll stay here, or you'll leave. Who knows? I might even see you again, pass you in the street. And it won't be uncomfortable. You'll ask me how I am and I'll honestly reply that I'm fine, that everything turned out just the way it should have.

Right now, I don't feel like that. I feel like every little thing I do, every word I say, could mean the end of something. Of a friendship, relationship, anything. But that's the risk I'm willing to take, if it takes me one moment further, one day closer to a life where I am perfectly at ease.

So I hope you're happy. In fact, I know you are, you're so happy with what you have now, that you don't even have time to stop, and think, about that girl you used to know. It's not like I expect you to try now though. You had your chance.

forget it.

unbreakable.

worthy.

I’ve made mistakes in my life.

I’ve let people take advantage of me,

and I’ve accepted way less than I should have.

But I’ve learned from my bad choices,

and even though there are some things

I can never get back and people who will

never be sorry, I’ll know better next time and

I won’t settle for anything less than I deserve.

an epiphany.

From now on, I'm going to try to be nice. Not that I'm a total bitch now, it's just that I know there are people out there who I choose to avoid, for no reason in particular. It's not as if people choose what they look like, or who they are friends with.
Everybody likes to feel comfortable, wanted, needed. And if they are comfortable with who they are and who they hang out with, then that's fine with me. It really is.

Sometimes I judge people too quickly, by first impressions, by appearance, by social "ranking" (what utter bullshit), and so very often, I judge people by what others tell me. I don't want to do that anymore. It's not fair of me, to make opinions on people I don't even know.

So I know I can't be nice to everyone. But unless you've done or said something that would cause me not to, then I guess there is no reason why I shouldn't like you.

If you look at the bigger picture, we're all losers, really. I mean, everybody dies.

So who wins the game of life? No one.

frustrated.

it’s not that i’m not happy with the way we are now

it’s the fact that i have no idea what that is.

what are we?

you can’t put a label on it

because it’s no way near as simple as that

and that’s what frustrates me.

so tell me.

but if you say that word again

i might just have to hit you.

why?

did it mean nothing to you?

nothing at all?

you know i could have anyone i wanted to, if i tried.

if i really tried, made an effort. but that's not what i'm like.

so how come i made an effort with you?

i chose you.

and now i see there was no point to it.

none at all.

don't you use that seven letter word on me.

don't you even. don't you dare.

it's not enough for me, and somewhere deep inside

you know it's not enough for you either.

what are you afraid of?

i honestly thought that you were different from the others.

i guess i was wrong.

but i chose you.

you.

not anyone else.

you.

why can't you see that?

i chose you.

Just be.

Would it be peaceful?

If I could just be.

If I could merely exist,

as though a river, an ocean,

never ceasing, never ending.

Would I not have to endure

any pain, sorrow, hurt?

Would I be at peace? Or

would it all come crashing

down around me, tearing away

piece by piece

until there is

nothing left but

what there was

before my existence.

Would I be able to move along

with the world, to see, hear, smell,

every moment of time as it passes?

Would I feel the touch of every hand,

cold and supple, warm and dry?

Or would I be as though dead?

Unfeeling, unmoved, as the people and places go on,

ever changing, ever ignorant, of the one thing

that is, but never was, never will be.

Would I be happy?

Or would I be incapable

of any emotion?

Joy.

Sorrow.

Pain.

Anger.

Lust.

Love.

Envy.

All of it, gone. Just like that.

I don't think I could handle it.